i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
