She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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