Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
