just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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