What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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