even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
