Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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