I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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