What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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