Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
