I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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