How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
