Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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