nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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