Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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