I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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