I'm lost and stupid without you.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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