Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
