I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
