If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
