I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
