Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
