You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
