Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
