new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
