I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
