It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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