i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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