He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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