New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
