I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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