If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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