they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
