Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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