Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
