Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
