Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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