Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
