turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
