Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
