i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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