I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
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A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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