If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
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I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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