a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So vagazzling was a success
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
