Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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