she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
