glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
