remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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