I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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