I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
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he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
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I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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