finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
