I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
