I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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