Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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