every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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