Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
