It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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