You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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