No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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