i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
