my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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