It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
