this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
